I have wanted to write. I have always wanted to write. I have been wanting to write since the day I have wanted to write. And I have never written.

Sometimes I wonder what stops me. Other times, I wonder why I wonder instead of just putting the damn thoughts on paper. Right now, I guess it must be the "other times". But yeah, am still wondering. Is it the fear of being ridiculed ? Or is the fear of not being understood ? Or worse, is it the fear of being misunderstood ? Are all these fears unfounded ? Are they just a gimmick of my mind, purely intended at obstructing what i want to do ? But then, what i want to do is also dictated by the mind. So is the mind inherently self-contradictory ? Or is there a feeling of attaining visceral pleasure which intimidates it from going with the flow ? Is my mind a prisoner of itself ? Or is it just too entangled in the web of societal patterns it has been brought up, it has been molded to ?

I really dont know. Every time i embark on the journey, i end up utterly confounded. But I still do it. Even though I know nothing awaits me at the end but chaos, unstructured thoughts, frustration at the willingness of doing it again and again and reaching nowhere, and a sense of deja vu. Every time i embark on the journey, i reach for my cigarettes. I reach out for a companion. Maybe I am too weak to explore the unseen, the unquestioned, the guttural depths of my mind on my own. Maybe the cigarette just comforts me with the knowledge that I have something under control, an action, an outcome which i can dictate. But then, so can an ipod, a fan, a television and zillions of other "products". So why does it have to be a cigarette ? Is there a desire which drives me to self-annihilation ? But then, a desire is also dictated by the mind. Why would my brain concoct a mechanism to destroy the very body that it tries to protect so fiercely through trillions of blood cells, vitamins, proteins and incomprehensible chemical and physical reactions evolved over a billion years ?

Am I my biggest enemy ?

I dont know.